Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. Its possible that thats part of it given the cheating aspect, but the worried the worst would happen is a very, very common anxiety symptom called catastrophizing. He is unable to let go of these thoughts on his own, they are interfering with his and his spouses quality of life, so he needs some help. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. I belong to a profession that has an annual convention in Las Vegas. Its like the person who tried to quit, and their boss polls the other managers and then tells employee that the other managers all agree, employee does not have a good enough reason to quit. I did a similar trip after I had my second but I did it different than everyone else. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. In the places where its legal, its still only legal at licensed brothelsof which there are 24 in the entire state. A city with a lot of hotels and legalized gambling, but it also has residential neighborhoods, malls, schools, etc. These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. I went for the first time over the summer. I got sent there about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled (and my husband was happy for me). its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! I have serious issues with anxiety and I read it the same way. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. If it was possible to take him along I could see that potentially helping if the main issue is wrong information and assumptions. This isnt about Las Vegas or about you or even about your jobits that he wants to control you, and any threat to his perception that he doesnt have complete control over you is going to end in a tantrum. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. That didnt make me feel better for the Letter Writer. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. If you feel a message or content violates these standards and would like to request its removal please submit the following information and our moderating team will respond shortly. You and a therapist will be able to figure that out and take next steps. Answer (1 of 11): I do not care why he does it! BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. In either case though, go on the trip. o_o, As an Iowa alum, I can personally vouch that Ive seen more drunken debauchery in Iowa City than I have on the Vegas Strip. Because this thing where he insults the moral character of his beloved wife based on the fact that she needs to travel for work? If youre not and this is out of the blue, it really sounds like his anxiety is getting the best of him (especially with the note about kidnapping), and he might need more individual help. Keep in mind that your partner is occasionally on edge, as being polite throughout an entire family trip can feel like a job." AKA: Don't be surprised if your partner gets moody. ;). Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. Itd be easy for the husband to dismiss the wifes concerns as Well SHE wants to cheat. But where I was from, the vast majority of the people in the regionhundreds of thousands, not just a handfulaccepted these beliefs as reasonable. Ive lived in Vegas for over a decade and have attended many, many conferences here as well as in other cities. Yes, marriage counselling. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. Often to far away and less-than-ideal places, safety-wise, sometimes for 2+ weeks at a time, and pretty frequently alone. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. But we should really just be taking OPs word for it that the issue she outlined is the issue there is. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. who believe the TV/movie depictions of the city and sort of forget that there are people who live there and work there, going about their everyday lives. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. I have been to Las Vegas many times over the years on business, including a few times when I was completely on my own without co-workers to hang with. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. There are lots of places in the country where the approach the OP describes is perfectly normal, and where its a lot harder work to find somebody who disagrees. She visited exactly once, got off in a suburb where the homes start at 300K and started screaming about getting shot at. I like having the house to myself for a weekend. Im a bit flabbergasted. Im from the midwest haha. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. I agree with this- even if she were able to somehow get out of the trip without professional repercussions, Im quite sure he would find something else to stress about and restrict her from owing to these kinds of irrational fears. Sounds great. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. I actually didnt tell her I got K&R insurance when I worked in the Philippines and had to travel to an area where nearby skirmishes were going on and kidnappings WERE a concern. Thats a CA classic. Forget $200, I once needed to add a night to my reservation at the Rio last minute.it was $20. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. I know right? Hes already proven himself to be irrational, I think his presence will not help LW even a little. But its a pretty serious one-off. $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. My husband and I both grew up in very traditional conservative homes, and so his support of my career means a lot to me. What the hell? Hell figure something out; youll figure something out. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. I still tease her about it. I wish you the best. (I would be in the back with the baby and my older daughter). What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. This is more his problem than yours. I also am a pretty straight laced married woman whos been in the same committed relationship for two decades and most of those trips were without my partner. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. And people loooooove the lotto tix here. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. Its a constant negotiation and balancing act. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. And, damn, every time I hear about kidnapping, it seems to be in Ohio or Mississippi, not places considered hotbeds of crime in US pop culture. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Couples counseling has given us a neutral forum to figure out how to face it together, to help me express how his behavior effects me and our family, and for me to learn how to support him. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. So its not like its all new. For the OP, this is a marriage problem. If you find that it seems like your husband is starting to use the counselors words against you to get you to do what he wants, then leave counseling. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. Ifthis isjust aone-time thing, and heusually shares himself freely with you, then itmay betime for him tolook atwhy hedidnt want you there inthe first place. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. I agree with the counseling suggestion. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. Originally Published: Dec. 27, 2015. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. And while anxiety is common, abuse is even more so. Unless youre her son. I go there once or twice a year for my relaxing vacation. It was a realllllly boring upbringing. But if all your life experiences back it up, its not until youre faced with a new point of view (i.e., your wife goes on a business trip) that any of these beliefs even come to the surface. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. The irony is, for business trips, Vegas is essentially Disney. It can be; it can also be a culture that has different views on whats important in a relationship. We respect everyones right to express their thoughts and opinions as long as they remain respectful of other community members, and meet What to Expects Terms of Use. Or maybe its anxiety fueling a control issue, but I highly doubt that anxiety treatment will help. Based on the way anxiety distorts reality and actual risk, I could easily not allow my children to participate in things or have small measures of independence. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. He wasnt healthy for me. Your level of trust in him. This makes me MAD. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. So all the brothel skits on Reno 911 were a lie? And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. And as Alison so deftly explained it, the rest is all a matter of trust within the marriage. I had an ex tell me, just after I left him, that hed checked with his friends and they all agreed with him that I was behaving irrationally and crazily about everything I was upset about and had said was wrong with the relationship. Thats another reason to put off discussions the information just wont register with him while hes anxious. He has terrible night vision and shouldnt drive after sundown, and he is absent-minded and tends to forget to eat when hes working. Pressuring/guilting him into not going? And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. Its just Vegas (and Disney) are more designed to keep you inside their controlled, predictable corporate environment so as to better separate you from your money. By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. Huh. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. and I was gutted. We can take care of ourselves. You dont deserve to be treated that way. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? Of course, this is all conjecture. (Im in counseling FWIW, he wont go.) Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. Telling your partner that you really need to focus on work for three days should not be a big deal (barring really big exacerbating circumstancesI need to focus on work, so Im skipping your mothers funeral, have fun! would be much more fraught, of course). And honestly he would be the first to say that the breaks when Im away, and he can eat PBJ sandwiches for dinner, are refreshing for him too. So yeah, this isnt something that everyone feels, nor is it reasonable. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. I have one. I am angered that every time I have to go he seems to have an emotional breakdown. I have anxiety, and so does my husband and this isnt really an anxiety reaction, but a control issue. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. It could be an extreme level of anxiety manifesting as control (I cant measure up/if you go away somewhere glamorous youll realize I suck), especially if hes not otherwise doing anything questionable. I agree that the OP should not even consider not going on the trip. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Hopefully this question to AAM will lead in the direction of help. No. My mom believes that her quiet suburban neighborhood and my own are overrun by prowling sex offenders when the sun goes down. Funnily enough, I never cheated, never had my drink spiked or got kidnapped during these excisions to sin city. Make sure that appointment is booked. Eating a meal? making sure your spouse is okay with big decisions that affect both of you isnt that unreasonable. I loved the weird, entertaining shows on the street, the warm evenings, the bustle and cheer. Slot machines are boring, table games make me anxious, I dont like to lose money when I could shop with it instead. Milkshakes there are ON POINT. We look out for each other. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Your husband has insane insecurity issues. Lets just say that the memo made it clear that there WAS going to be a LOT of partying of all sorts. I suppose anxiety could make his control issues more prominent, but to me his behavior is just a glaring red flag. When I first started at my last full-time job, a coworker and I were both sent to Washington DC for a three-day conference to learn our jobs (wed both started around the same time, in a very niche legal field). Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. You can get really great meals there. Many people we know (work, friends, sometimes family) just cant wrap their head around the fact that we dont need to be joined at the hip 24/7 and that were not jealous. I asked three people: Me, myself, and I. Never mind that this area was completely safe and middle-class; never mind that the apartment complex had 24-hour security; gated parking; never mind that this Mexican restaurant is not a whole in the wall, is regularly featured on Food Network, and is a regular spot for bringing out-of-town clients for virtually every company in our city. Another option is to share infowhen you get there take a picture of where you are stayingshow the agenda, let him know what you are doing, check in at the end of the night. Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. Lots to see and do. Indifference. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. Yup. Ive never gone to a weddings and heard vows that included I promise to love, honor, cherish, and ask your permission before I leave the house. Flights and hotels are cheap, because of the focus on tourists everything is really convenient for travelers, the food is good, there are great conference facilities. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. OP, I agree with the advice you dont have to choose between your marriage and your job if you dont want to. Nah this isnt about irrational fears on his part, its about control. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Youve gone before and nothing happened, so why is he still freaking out about it? It was a blast! Should I take him into account? I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. I used to travel 3 weeks out of the month from Wed-Sun for work and often traveled by myself to large cities as well as smaller locations and never felt unsafe. There are broadly different American subcultures because there are just so many people. We are both off work for the summer so we can easily split up the car ride and stop and get a hotel for. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? Thanks for weighing in, Working Wife; were on your side, and we hope you can resolve this. I mean seriously? Gift of fear is fine for some things, but lacking in partnership issues advice and perspective. Many commenters are acting as though the husband made up this poll of people (everyone) to agree with him, which is not what she wrote or what happened. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. Yes. it says they WOULD even let their significant others go, not wouldnt! Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. Ifyoure feeling left out, that means something iswrong. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. Yes, its off the strip, but my room was GIGANTIC. It is. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! At that point, the OP has some really solid information far more useful and on point than anything that the internet commentariate can provide her. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. I bet youll have a blast. Regardless of how we got here, its a problem that we as a couple are facing because of how Im viewing things. And theres more but I here these comments and the whole story wasnt told. I played Princess Bride slots for 45 minutes. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. Of course, Im only going by what was in the letter. Ideally, you and your husband would support each other in your careers, not have babyish meltdowns. Thats what tips me toward the prospect that your husband is on the controlling end of the spectrum and not the real bad anxiety end of the spectrum. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Nah, its not legal in Reno either their county did not legalize it. I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. If I had succeeded in keeping my mom from ever leaving the house, I would have started obsessing about the iron falling off the board and burning the house down, or everything flooding, or, or, or. I was also married to this man. If its a crippling anxiety issue, a solo visit to a therapist and their GP for anxiety meds might be more effective. Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. couch their controlling tendencies as worry and concern, because they know their victims will want to soothe and appease them, because they are just super nice worry-wart spouses who just really, truly, are so *concerned*. People are able to manipulate their therapists, and there are also just plain bad therapists: what if the OPs husband is in therapy already with, for example, a religious provider who reinforces his moralistic fears about Vegas? I know this is way off-topic, but deplane is a horrendous word. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. Instead, things got worse. We had dinner at night and then literally went to sleep the moment we returned from dinner. Yeah the strip can be crazy but so can Disney World. All rights reserved. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. So theyre officially still working there. And Hunter Thompson and Oscar Acosta are dead anyway. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. What do you think?. Shed never thought about it because shed only seen the Strip depictions. Read: how could he know I was where I said I was? Food! Im so glad I made that choice. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? That much concern/lack of trust that his wife is going to go off and cheat on him because of what city shes in smells like projecting to me. Sure, but hes also clearly controlling and very manipulative. I sometimes know and I often dont. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. One reputation of the city, deliberately played up in media, is that it is a raunchy sin city full of gamboling, sex, and wild parties. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. (Ive been to LV exactly once, for work. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. Context does not change would into wouldnt. Yeah, I hate having that thought, but that was exactly where my mind went he is freaking out because he thinks OP is going to do what he did.
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